Worst ride ever (without getting hurt)?
So I was chatting with RL this morning about my pre-work ride. He thought it was interesting enough to post. If you’re disgusted by bowel movement talk, skip this post.
On Tuesday & Thursday mornings I try to get in a workout on the Fullerton Loop or any nearby trail. This Tuesday morning, I was about 8 miles into the loop with 3 more left when I got this sinking feeling in my stomach. All of a sudden, I had to go poo!
The only problem was, I was 3 miles away from the car and I needed to go right away. Argh! Other than holding it in, the hard part was riding while not sitting on the saddle. The jarring from my hardtail (even suppressed by the thudbuster) made me want to go poo even more.
I ended up pedaling with my thigh on the seat, clenching (no not my teeth), and solely focused on keeping things in for a little while longer. The ride back to the car felt LONG.
When i got back to the car, I could barely get the bike loaded. I had to stop everything I was doing every 5 seconds to quell the urge to crap right there. When the urge hit me, I thought of two things: “can’t poop now” and “what happens if I have no choice?”” I began thinking of weird things like crawling into the back of my suv and using my son’s portable toilet (he’s 2 and the toilet looks like this… oh, and I’m 6 foot 210 lbs), opening the doors on my suv and pooping on the ground in between the doors, pooping in my pants (luckily I was wearing my crappy (pun intended) shorts). All sorts of weird & crazy thoughts.
Finally, after the bike was on the rack, I braced myself for the 10 minute drive home. I mentally chanted “I can make it.” After I sat down & turned on the engine I realized, there is NO WAY I can make it. Instead, I decided to go to the strip mall across the street and see if I could find a bathroom. Remember, it’s only 7:30 so only a couple of places were open.
Thankfully, one of those places was Ralphs (a supermarket). I ran into Ralphs, asked the sushi maker (they make sushi here?) where the bathroom was. After he grunted and pointed, I ran as fast as I could while clenching as tight as I could.
OH SWEET RELIEF!
On the way back out, I swear that I heard some employees in the bakery/deli section laughing at me. I don’t care though, I was relieved for the moment.