MtnBikeRiders Horoscope:August

Gemini-May 21- June 20
The forecast: Watch for snakes.
Work Mode: Lower your coffee/caffeine intake from 6 servings down to 2. This will help you be less irritable at the work place.
Sex: Let’s just say you’ll have a date every night with Rosey Palms.

Cancer-June 21-July 22
The forecast: Now is the time you start training for the upcoming races in the fall.
Work Mode: The guy in shipping will find you interesting. But not in a platonic way, but in a Prop 8 way.
Sex: Unfortunately, herbal Viagra from the gas station won’t do anything other than disappoint you..

Leo-July 23-Aug 22
The forecast: This is a great riding month for you. You’ve surpassed your riding goals and will travel to many places with your bike this summer.
Work Mode: Your coworker will buy you lunch, in return, he’ll ask you to cover for him while he’s out on his Jetski on Monday.
Sex: All Day EVERY DAY!

Virgo-August 23-September 22
The forecast: It turns out that Virgo doesn’t mean Vagina. This month you will conquer that big jump that has teased you all month. Go get sum!
Work Mode: You’ll get that long awaited pat on the back from the boss.
Sex: Sorry bud, you can’t get it up this month. Try again next month.

Libra-September 23-October 22
The forecast: You will experience a refreshing re-birth for your love of the sport. In fact, your wife will allow you to spend $3500 on that bike you’ve been wanting.
Work Mode: You will get a bonus. Cha-ching!
Sex: Do the dishes while wearing only your cycling shoes, that will guarantee hot sex.

Scorpio-October 23-November 21
The forecast: This month your butt will look WAY hot in spandex. So don’t be shy to show it off.
Work Mode: Firing your drama-infested employees will be a blessing.
Sex: Do you even have to ask?!

Sagittarius-November 22-December 21
The forecast: Tennis shoes are for tennis, not biking. Get some real riding shoes.
Work Mode: You’ve got nothing going for you other than your good looks.
Sex: Non-Existent.

Capricorn-December 22-January 19
The forecast: Twirling snakes will be your new hobby
Work Mode: I wish I could say you’re getting a big fat raise, but you’re getting demoded.
Sex: Quality is better than Quantity…or is it the other way around?

Aquarius-January 20-February 18
The forecast: You are a very beautiful person. Nuff said.
Work Mode: You’ve got a pretty cush job, learn from it so you can start your own business.
Sex: Don’t play hard to get…or you won’t get any

Pices-February 19- March 20
The forecast: They say if you throw up during a ride, it means you’re pushing yourself. Ride hard enough to do so.
Work Mode: Aquarius will get the Penske account and you will end up being his assistant.
Sex: like rabbits…

Aries-March 21-April 19
The forecast: Hey Fatso! Get on your bike and ride. Chips and cookies are not breakfast items.
Work Mode: Down with the MAN!
Sex: None, chicks don’t like cellulite on men.

Taurus-April 20-May 20
The forecast: You’re getting better at downhill, start training for upcoming races.
Work Mode: Tell your employer that you will be taking a 2 month sabbatical to train for the races.
Sex: Limit the acrobats.