MtnBikeRiders.com Horoscope-June

Gemini-May 21- June 20
The forecast: The sun energizes your mojo, there’s no hill you can’t tackle.
Work Mode: Your boss will ride you like a donkey. Make sure you tell him to “stop busting my balls, you’ll get your TPS reports once I’m done checking MtnBikeRiders.com!”
Sex: Not getting any. Your wife will have constant headaches and she’ll be too tired every night.

Cancer-June 21-July 22
The forecast: Road rash. Make sure your running the right air pressure on your tires. Too low or too high means no grip.
Work Mode: You’re going to get laid off. So you might as well slack off at work until the day comes.
Sex: You may want to see a doctor about your E.D. problem.

Leo-July 23-Aug 22
The forecast: Your training is paying off. Your friends are marveling in your ability to climb and sprint so fast. But don’t over do it, cuz’ you’ll pull a hammi.
Work Mode: Your wife will make you a great lunch. If you’re single, the clerk at McDonald’s thinks you’re cute and will throw in a Large fry when all you ordered was a small from the Dollar Menu.
Sex: Much like Gemini, your wife has a migraine.

Virgo-August 23-September 22
The forecast: You will experience the most amount of flats this month than any other time in your life. One day you’ll look back on June 2010 as the month of the flat tire. Aquarius is getting faster and faster on his/her bike. Shave your legs, makes you look cool!
Work Mode: Your wife visits you at work for a nooner.
Sex: Read above statement.

Libra-September 23-October 22
The forecast: You will go through a slight depression this week because you suck at mountain biking. Your spoke will break and women will be passing you up the hills. Don’t worry, you can easily be happy again once you eat 2 double cheese burgers and wash it down with a chocolate shake….works for me every single time!
Work Mode: You’re a great example to all your coworkers. Your boss will take you out to lunch just so he can fire you, that way you don’t make a scene in public. They did that in Jerry McGuire.
Sex: You are irresistible to your wife, especially after you do a sink full of dishes. Fresh laundry even gets her hotter! So make sure you do dishes and a load of laundry for a passionate night of love making!

Scorpio-October 23-November 21
The forecast: You will be complimented by so many people on your good looks alone. Your riding will greatly improve and when your spouse see’s you, they’ll say…”Let’s ride bikes and have plenty of sex!”
Work Mode: Your boss sucks.
Sex: Anytime you want it!

Sagittarius-November 22-December 21
The forecast: If you’re still not using clipless pedals, you’ll learn this month.
Work Mode: You’re in upper management, so that means you get paid plenty of money and you are good looking.
Sex: Non-Existent.

Capricorn-December 22-January 19
The forecast: You and Libra are going to have a great ride out in the boonies. You may see a few snakes. Make sure your hydration pack has all the gear you need.
Work Mode: Your ice cream truck business is booming since its summer. Now you can afford to replace that glass eye you have. But for now, keep wearing your eye patch.
Sex: Chicks dig Pirates….ARRRRR!

Aquarius-January 20-February 18
The forecast: Out of all the people on the trail, you are the most handsome and most talented person there. You’re going to be restless this month, so make sure you up your INTENSITY during your rides. In fact, do two laps of so you can get faster.
Work Mode: Your boss will apologize for a mistake he wrongly accused you off…and its pretty sweet when he does!
Sex: It’s like Burger King, “Have it your way.”

Pices-February 19- March 20
The forecast: You will discover what single speeding is all about. If you already single speed, you will preach the bicycle gospel and get more people out on the trails. You will hurl on your first few times out on your single speed, but that’s ok. That’s just weakness leaving the body….
Work Mode: Leo and you will become work friends. You’ll eat at Jack in the Box 2 times per week talking about World of Warcraft.
Sex: None, you’re too busy playing WOW….

Aries-March 21-April 19
The forecast: You’re getting fat, you need to ride your bike for 3 hours this Saturday.
Work Mode: Stop eating Cheetos at your work desk, you’re staining all the printers and copiers with your orange fingers.
Sex: Surprisingly there are women who are known as “Chubby Chasers.” Lucky for you, you’re married to one!

Taurus-April 20-May 20
The forecast: Stop its hammer time! Make sure you do the Hammer time dance after clearing each climb.
Work Mode: Hammer time dance always works in impressing coworkers.
Sex: Hammer Time! Nuff said.