What is Blingitis?
Also known as upgraditis, blingitis is a debilitating disease that subconsciously alters your perception of your current bike from a capable bike to one in desperate need of improvements (necessary or unnecessary) that look better but may not perform better than previously installed parts.
If left unchecked, this mind altering disease can lead to high credit card bills, mounting debt and bankruptcy. Other negative side affects include the alienation of non-biking members of the family/friends and being able to only afford saltines for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
What causes Blingitis?
Currently, blingitis’ origins are unknown. One scholar believes that blingitis is caused by mountain biking with other riders who actually do have better bikes/components than the diseased’s current rig. This scholar goes on to surmise that after examining the other dude’s bike, hormones named SPENDergen are released. SPENDergen has been shown to have a very weak correlation to the onset of blingitis.
Chris King Hubs
Another scholar’s study illustrates a weak relationship of blingitis with attending major bike events such as Sea Otter, Eurobike or Interbike. A slightly weaker relationship was observed for riders attending local bike races where advertisements and exhibitor’s booths are commonly found. This scholar supposes that the sensory consumption of so many cool components through a person’s vision, touch, smell and yes… even taste could set off blingitis.
What are the symptoms of Blingitis?
Blingitis normally starts off relatively harmlessly. $10 spent on a new set of grips because the old ones were black. Next, its $20 for a Salsa seat collar that matches the highlight color of your frame. But, be careful because before long blingitis can quickly spiral out of control.
$160 for a set of Twenty6 Dualie Brake Levers, $600 Formula Oro Puro brakes and of course the ultimate bling $1,000+ Industry Nine wheels (two sets of course as each one’s color needs to reflect your mood). Sadly, if you’re already this far along, it is time to call for professional help.
Wow. So pretty. I want… No, I NEED
How is Blinitis treated?
Your doctor may prescribe you narcotics to reduce your desire to continue blingitis. However, this is normally not enough. We here at MtnBikeRiders.com highly recommend the expert in house team trained in the treatment of blingitis, the MtnBikeRiders.com.blingitis.team.
This highly skilled team will come in and disassemble all of your current rigs and replace all of the blingitis parts with ho-hum parts from Walmart. We will also handle the removal of the blingitis parts so that you will not be tempted by them again. Our services continues with taking your credit cards and charging them up to the maximum so that you can not upgrade your bikes again. Lastly, we will help in relations restoration with members of your family and your friends who were alienated by blingitis. Surprisingly we do this all free of charge.
How can I prevent blingitis?
If you ride a cheap bike, we highly recommend marrying a spouse who has no degree of bicycle acumen, hates bikes and is poor. This combination of unknowing, unapproving and unfunded spouse is the best way to prevent blingitis.
If you’re already married and your spouse loves bikes you’re screwed. Umm… I meant that preventing blingitis will be a more difficult proposition. The team at MtnBikeRiders.com does have a recommendation: the surgical removal of your hypoSPEND gland. This short 17 hour surgical procedure will remove the hypoSPEND gland which produces the SPENDergen hormone. Remember however, that the SPENDergen hormone only has a “weak” correlation with the adult onset of blingitis.
Your doctor may also prescribe Bike Component Sensory Deprivation. Although MtnBikeRiders.com does not recommend this, we have heard of great responses to this treatment. BCSD includes but is not limited to removing the internet from your computer (yes, it’s only on your computer), house-rest to keep you from visiting cool bike shops and of course staying away from Interbike 2007.
BCSD Mask
With a steady diet of BCSD you may see enough progress to visit your email account by year 3 of this treatment. Good luck.
