What do I wear when I go mountain biking?

I tend to get this question a lot. Mainly it is from new riders who have not touched a bike since when they were kids riding with their friends. Occasionally this question comes from the road cyclist who has decided to venture into something more umm… better than what they were currently involved in, previously.

But for everyone who asks me this question, my answer is always very simple. Wear clothes. For some odd reason, many people believe that all you have to do when you go ride is wear a feather boa. Where they came up with this insane notion is beyond my comprehension but I think it has to do with keeping their head warm. Others think a simple ballerina tutu will suffice. I say, if it fits, go for it, but I don’t want to see no plumbers crack, k?

General advice: a feather boa will not keep your head warm when mountain biking

You might think that my recommendation to “wear clothes” is too simple or not detailed enough, but quite simply put, it is. What happens if people want more instruction? Well, then, I guess I go into a little more detail. The normal conversation goes like this:

Adoring newb: “Oh Magnificent Jeremy, what do I wear when I go mountain biking?”

Magnificent Jeremy: “Wear clothes.”

Adoring newb’s face glows with excitement and inquisitive delight as the adoring newb ponders this great deep philosophical and insightful answer.

Adoring newb: “Oh Magnificent Jeremy, you have such great deep philosophical and insightful answers. May I ask one more question?”

Magnificent Jeremy, always simple and poignant replies: “Yes.”

Adoring newb: “Oh thank you, Magnificent Jeremy! You always give such simple and poignant replies!! My next question is ‘What KIND of clothes should I wear?’”

Magnificent Jeremy, with an always simple and poignant reply, responds: “Clothes that fit.”

Adoring newb, deep in thought, contemplates the life changing words that have been spoken by the Magnificent Jeremy and staggers away under the weight of Magnificent Jeremy’s profound proclamations. Some may claim that the Adoring newb is actually running off to ask someone more Magnificent the question: “What do I wear when I go mountain biking?”, but the Magnificent Jeremy doubts this, highly.